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“稀”，稀缺，小心生活中的罗密欧与朱丽叶效应 | 模糊谈判力 第六十一篇
这是桔梗在“谈判思维”的第738篇推文。
全文共2231字，阅读大约需要3分钟。
1 引言
王姨，是我小时候老家的一个邻居，我们两家的关系很好。
几年前，很偶然的机会，我们又重新有了联系；
这才知道，王姨离婚后带着女儿嫁给了一个香港人；
她现在的生活很好，女儿也能离开老家到香港上学，生活无忧。
但她遇到一个头疼的问题；
王姨的女儿爱上了老家的一个青年，她无法割舍，打算放弃香港的生活和学业，回农村老家去嫁给他。
王姨对此火冒三丈，她强烈反对女儿这样做，怎么可以放弃眼前的大好前程，去农村嫁给一个毫无发展的毛头小伙？
但她对女儿的态度越是强硬，女儿反抗的意愿就越强，甚至离家出走。
作为两个女儿的父亲，我十分同情王姨的感受；
我们到底要不要对女儿的“爱情婚姻”问题，做出父母的强制干预？
一方面，女儿未经世事，自然领会不到“放弃香港的学业回农村结婚”究竟有多不明智；
而另一方面，干涉恋爱的自由，并不一定会让女儿的情感成长更加健康。
不干涉？看着女儿毁了前程？
干涉？从此被女儿嫉恨？
真是两难。
文学家汉密尔顿说，
爱情之火，越是去铺盖，就烧得越热切。
最能表达这个意思的，要数著名的莎士比亚戏剧《罗密欧与朱丽叶》里的故事了；
年轻的罗密欧与朱丽叶一见钟情；
但他们俩家的家族是世仇，这其中的家庭矛盾是绝对容不下两人的相爱的。
在双方家庭的强烈干涉下，罗密欧与朱丽叶的爱情经历了巨大的坎坷；
最终，他们的爱情之火在双方的殉情中燃烧到了顶点。
这虽然是一个悲伤的爱情故事，但我相信在生活中不同版本的“罗密欧与朱丽叶”一定不少见。
心理学家，理查德-德里斯科尔，还专门提出了相关的心理学解释，并称之为，
罗密欧与朱丽叶效应。
2 罗密欧与朱丽叶效应
我们依然在“模糊谈判力”这个系列推文中，它的思维方式启发自牛津大学的实验心理学研究。
今天要聊的，依然是“七字说服力”的第六个字，“稀”；
“稀”，就是“稀缺”的意思，
越是“稀缺”的东西，越让人在乎，也就越有说服力。
我们在上一篇推文中介绍了“心理抗拒理论”，它也是“稀”字说服力的一种心理学解释；
当“选择”变得稀缺了，动机反而更强烈了。
人，天生就不喜欢被剥夺“选择自由”，哪怕是本来并不太中意的选择，一旦被剥夺，也会变得中意起来。
“罗密欧与朱丽叶效应”，说的就是同一个道理。
父母对恋人的干涉，不但不会减弱他们的感情，反而会促成他们相爱更深；
所谓“棒打的鸳鸯难分离”，也是这个意思。
1972年，科罗拉多大学的心理学家，理查德-德里斯科尔教授，对这个效应做了定量分析；
他征集了140对生活在科罗拉多州的年轻情侣，深入了解了他们的感情状况；
理查德教授发现，情侣的感情强度，和父母的干涉程度呈现明显的正关联关系；
（相关实验见：PARENTAL INTERFERENCE AND ROMANTIC LOVE: THE ROMEO AND JULIET EFFECT, Richard Driscoll, University of Colorrado,doi.org/10.1037/h0033373）
3 试探边界
"心理抗拒理论"并不仅仅表现在“爱情”上，其实我们从小就这样。
每个家长都会经历一个两岁孩子的“讨厌期”，就是一段“什么都要跟你”作对的时期。
你让他走路，他要你抱他；
你抱着他，他要你放下让他走路；
你给他吃苹果，他要吃橘子；
你给他吃橘子，他要吃苹果。
父母们都会深有体会，并把孩子的这个特点归结为“不听话”的恶习。
其实这是我们人类成长的必经之路，而且很重要；
孩子们正在和你“对着干”的表现，并非是故意惹你生气的“坏行为”，而是他们在完善自己的“选择自由边界”；
人，从孩子成长到一个独立个体，他逐渐感觉到自己的“选择”在变多；
逐渐可以走路，逐渐可以去更多地方，去吃更多东西，去体验更多；
那么，这个选择的边界在哪里？
孩子是通过“不断地试探”来回答这个问题的。
当然，其中大量“边界”是通过父母“非常强硬且直接的禁止”来完成的，比如，“电插座绝对不能把手伸进去”。
完成“选择自由边界”是人成长中非常重要的东西，当然这是有代价的。
那就是当父母在给他们画下边界时，他们会体验到“选择逐渐变少”的痛苦。
人，不喜欢没有选择，或者说，不喜欢选择被剥夺；
但又不得不面对这个必然会出现的情况。
美国心理学家，莎伦-布雷姆教授，用一个非常有说服力的实验来诠释“心理抗拒理论”；
他让实验对象面对甲和乙两个选择；
在第一组中，扮演为实验对象的工作人员会告诉他，“供你参考，我选择的是甲”；
在第二组中，扮演为实验对象的工作人员则告诉他，“我觉得我们两个人都必须要选择甲”。
结果，第一组中实验对象最终选择甲的比例高达70%；
而在第二组中，因为实验对象感受到来自同伴“非常大的压力”，就只有40%的人最终选择了甲；
可见一种选择，如果是自愿的，则更容易被接受；
而相反，当选择是被强迫的时候，便抗拒它的程度会增加。
这也是“罗密欧与朱丽叶效应”在年轻人恋爱中，如此显著的原因；
回到王姨女儿的例子里，那么父母该怎么办？
其实我无法给出具体且必定有效的方法，但至少我们知道，“强烈禁止”的干涉，会和我们的目的背道而驰。
我们该向孩子传达我们作为成人的社会经验和人生经验，这是非常必要的；
但千万小心，不要把“传达经验”演化成为“剥夺选择自由”。
女儿，你有恋爱自由，嫁给谁，是否结婚最终由你来决定；但，作为过来人，妈妈的经验一定对你将来的幸福有帮助，请综合思考。
4 小结
值得一提的是，今天内容的背后，依然都是“模糊谈判论”的影子；
分类、二元、语言、极端；
“稀”，“稀缺”的本质，是对“战Vs逃”二元差异的极化；
当我们尝试画出一个分类，战 Vs 逃（做Vs不做），人们的大脑迅速二元化，寻找决策动机；
当“动机”还没出现之前，这个分类对我们来说就是模糊的，没有说服力；
“稀”，可以让我们在谈判中撕开这个分类，让人对“失去”的感受越分明，“稀”字说服力就越极端；
说服力的流动，再次从模糊走向极端。
–
–
–
这里是“谈判思维”！
“模糊谈判力 第六十一篇” 待续
— 桔梗
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分为8步：第1步店面选址；第2步装修设计；第3步确定品牌；第4步招聘培训；第5步宣传推广；第6步开业策划；第7步拓客品项设计；第8步销售成交流程设计； 开店前我们定位非常关键。预算…
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